ok, im stuck on this whole blogging thing again. i really dont want to study. i think im trying to rationalize my procrastination. this is bad, i need to get back in the groove of focusing on school and work. ugh, i hate this.

so its snowing like hell outside. hasnt snowed in a while though. idk, im hoping the snow will cancel classes on monday. its supposed to turn out really bad.

i just wanted to mention (im sure ive mentioned this before) that i was just thinking this morn while working about how sad it is seeing some patients that ive grown a liking to disintegrate right before my eyes. i feel a tugging at my heart whenever that happens, and sadly enough, even though our goal as health care providers is to fix u up and make u all better, there's just some people who are beyond the point of being able to be "fixed up and better".  throughout the year that ive been working at raritan bay, there's a good chunk of patients who return time after time. upon first meeting, they are fine, but then after a few visits, u can start to notice the toll their health status is taking upon them. then it comes to the point where they are admitted more and more frequently. that's when u know that there's no turning back in their condition. then, one day u realize that u havent seen that person in a while, and u know just deep down in ur heart that they are probably not on this earth anymore. i have really good memory when it comes to patients for some reason. so today, the first patient room i walk into is of course a man who ive come to encounter several times as a patient. he's a quiet man, not needing much from the health care team. he doesnt speak much because he has cancer of the mouth. ive never had the opportunity to sit down and talk with this man, though he always interested me for some reason. it must be that look of a good spirit in his eyes, i can see it. anyway, every previous time ive seen him, he's been alright, besides of course the cancer. but today, he looked like he was in bad shape. and i felt that tugging feeling at my heart, there's nothing i can do to "save" this man, all i can do is make him feel comfortable. im a tough girl, but sometimes its hard to bear.

i must mention one other patient. haha its a funny story. there's this strange older lady patient that kept walking around the floor, just wandering around. im assuming she was confused cuz she absolutely looked like she wasnt all there. but i kept seeing her in the strangest places on the floor. she was apparently going into other patients rooms. then suddenly, several patients were missing belongings. haha, the patients belongings were taken by her! she took some guy's watch, another guy's gameboy, and who knows what else she took from people. she doesnt mean to do it, but shes just so confused. anyway, i set down my cup of coffee this morning in one of the patient's rooms and when i come back, my cup is still there, but someone drank all the coffee. i was thinking, "who does that? who drinks my coffee and leaves the empty cup there?" so weird. but when i found out that she was taking all this stuff and watching her wander around the floor, i figured she saw it and she was the one who drank it. haha, too funny.

oh, i havent eaten meat in two days. no particular reason why. its a combination of not having enough time to eat, being too busy and tired, and not being in the mood. it doesnt feel good not eating meat though. felt kinda light headed this morn and i kept feeling really hungry. i dont know how vegetarians can survive. this reminds me, im going to go eat my steak fajitas.

went to an allergist and got tested for all sorts of allerigies, found out im allergic to things i didnt know i was allergic to. i got the worst reaction from dust mites and grass weeds. who knew? weird.

walked out on applebees last night. ugh, had a bad day there yesterday. but today like some other days i have so much fun there. i love the people i work with. i couldnt ask for more fun people. then there's days where i feel like i cant wait to quit. haha, i love it, i hate it.

later folks.

Slacker...

ok, so its been a long while since the last entry. haha, that was last year, literally. so i been slackin since this semester has started. i cant help it, im tired of school. it's a freakin pain. not much to mention about school cuz it just started a couple weeks ago, but i have 3 tests this coming week. oops, need to study.

on to work. i still work at applebees. im still lovin workin at the hospital, even though its tiring.

also, i have run out of cash. this semester has cleared out my account. ok, no, thats an exaggeration, i do have some money left, but i feel like its not going to be enough. i dont know...i dont know what to do anymore about the whole financial situation. i really cant work myself to the bone bc i need the time for school and my physical body doesnt handle the stress well even though my mind can.

i was reading my old entries bc a certain someone was on here reading my entries and asking me about it so of couse i had to go and read it too and it makes me laugh. i seem to write about the same redundant issues. haha, and i was reminiscing on all the drama that i went through a year and a half ago. haha, omg, how life has changed. also, my older entries were all written so eloquently. i was such a good writer if i may say so myself, thanks to the numerous years of honors and ap english. haha, but that has all gone done the drain at this point.

ive been having fun lately. forget school, forget work, forget the future.

this christmas was awesome. one of the best in a long time. it was so damn hectic but so fun. i had great times shopping with all the craziness of christmas time. i swear i was going shopping everyday and waking up early just to go more shopping and i went to what felt like every mall in the state. haha but its ok cuz i got people great gifts i think.

spent christmas eve with my nursing buddies and janet. went to midnight mass, it was the first time for janet. ahhh, i felt inspired, i hadn't been to church in a long time.

christmas day i worked at the hospital. surprisingly the patients were in good spirits despite being in the hospital on christmas day. had lots and lots of food. then went to my cousins' new big house. got my car stuck in the mud and got mud on my white coat. then headed over to the correa household for a long competition in monolopy.

today i was just too tired to go shopping. spent the day cleaning up after the mess that christmas leaves. u know what im talking about.

thank you to everyone who made this christmas a great one!
-to janet for my new "boyfriend"
-to stef for my nurse kaw doggie
-to yara and pee for shopping adventures
-to my sis and haydee for my new gucci smell
-to melissa for my precious little christmas tree and the $5 i won from the scratchoffs
-to the correa family for incorporating me into their home and lives
-to the trinidad family for being family
-to yara's and eileen's family for having me over and feeding me
-to everyone who gave me those great gifts i've received, there is nothing i dont like
-to God for giving me this great life, everything is going perfectly
-and to my patients for showing me how precious life, family, and friends are

weekends exhaust me. i love both of my jobs, most of the time, but they tire me to the limit. i leave 645am and dont get home till around 10 if im lucky, 11 more likely, or sometimes 1 or 2 the next morn if i go out after work. of course i always feel the need to go out though. haha, that part is my own fault, but i have to! while everyone has mom and dad paying for them, i gotta get out there and make the bacon, the dough, the dinero.

on the one hand im proud of what i never thought i would be able to handle, but on the other hand i miss not having to worry about much, besides school and friends. but the independence tops it all off. i love it. freedom. it doesnt matter what my parents or anyone else thinks bc im handling myself, its only my business now and noone elses. idk if anyone understands what im talking about but there's this feeling that even though my body aches and my hands are rough and i only have time to eat one meal a day, it's all worth it. its all worth it when i look around and see everything ive earned with my own hard work, my own money, my own perseverence.

and my jobs give me the best experiences ive ever wished to imagine. the one job, as a nurses's aide, gives me so many many amazing stories of patients and their families, and their life stories, and their conditions, and i could go on and on and on. i never ever imagined myself to be in this profession, but its made for me. it's where i feel my calling. stupid, i know, but its true. there's this rewarding feeling at the end of the day. i cant explain it, but im helping real people and their families in a real tangible way. it's sooooo difficult to get through the day because ur being pulled in so many directions because everyone needs u, the patient, the nurses, the doctors, everyone! haha...but u get through it all. sure, sometimes u get no breaks, sometimes u get no lunch, sometimes u get no gratitude, but there's times u have moments with people and it makes it all worth it.

i used to be afraid to talk to the patients but now its a big part of what i do. i hear the best life stories from these people.

like today, i got a kiss on the cheek from a patient, hes like 80 yrs old probably, the cutest little thing with a fractured cervical, his neck. i was called gorgeous by another patient, another cute older gentleman. i took care of a really nice man, 38 yrs old, who was in detox off of cocaine and heroine. u would never have guessed he would fall into those cracks but hes addicted. i felt so bad for him and his wife who had only recently married him, but when she married him he was clean off of drugs for 8 yrs. only now he got back into the drugs and alcohol. i guess she never expected him to go back to it, but he did. now he's in the hospital, he has pneumonia, and we transferred him to the ICU today, which if u arent familiar, is a place u dont want to be bc it means ur condition is pretty bad. in other words, he got worse. he got chest pains in the middle of the day, the theory is that he had a heart attack. idk, i hope he and his wife end up ok. i hope he can live straight life. he's really a nice nice successful man, but he got sidetracked. i had another patient who im assuming had torret's syndrome. she was hilarious. she just spit out cuss words left and right. she's this little old white lady 83 yrs old and had the dirtiest mouth imaginable, but it was never maliciously said. she says shes from the bronx, n thats why she talks like that. so so funny, i couldnt stop laughing. her roommate is a young girl maybe in her 20s and she got a kick out of her. and these stories are just from today working.

my other job, is just so fun. i love my apple buddies. we have good times.

ok this is getting too long, i didnt expect to be blogging about my jobs but thats what it ended up being. haha, sorry.

ok, so im home alone now. the cousins moved out. so its all back to how it once was. me. home alone.  uhhh...lotsa work to get done within the next couple of days. one project in particular thats pissing me off bc its beyond my control and i cant get it done. crap. its almost due, and im really getting nervous that it wont get done.

umm...some pics.

these are my ceg girls.

here's my cousins' new house